Socks and Sangrias (Alternately titled: Another Evening with Brock and Johi)

I sighed and plopped down on the couch. "Thank you Lord, for summertime and sangria."

The kids were in bed. It was the first moment all day that no one was talking at me- demanding things from me- trashing my home/yard/patio as I turned my back to load the dishwasher. I closed my eyes, breathed deep into my belly for the first time in four months and took a sip of burgundy chilled deliciousness. After another twelve hour shift with two kids and no naps, I was cooked. And the week had just begun...

I opened my eyes.

There they were, in my direct line of vision; Brock's socks... on floor. The balled up, greasy, stinky, dirty work socks sat on the carpet I had just vacuumed. At the end of a long day, during my one hour of relaxation before I closed my eyes and started all over again the following day, I was left to stare at my hard-working husband's used up man stockings. Seriously, man? Seriously???

Not even three sangrias can erase the irritation of skanky ass work socks with some dog hair encrusted tape stuck on the bottom. I couldn't stop staring at those nasty used socks. Then the unthinkable happened. The socks were ruining my happy sangria buzz. 

Finally (after approximately 42 seconds), I turned to Brock and firmly said, "We have a problem. Your socks are on the rug. Again. Can you please pick up your socks?" I added, as a warning of sorts, "They are pissing me off."

I looked at his gnarly feet and vowed to teach my sons about pedicures.

Brock picked up the discarded socks, wadded them into a tighter ball and shoved them under his thigh, which rested on the couch one foot away from me.

He looked me dead in the eye and said, "No, YOU have a problem."

I sat in stunned silence. My eyebrow raised so high it was as if The Good Lord himself was pulling it to the heavens with fishing line and a barbed hook. Then my face recoiled. I think my neck ate my chin. My right eye finally started to twitch. Stabbity stab stab...

Then Brock said, "It's my socks. They're on the floor. Again. That's your problem."

..... for a moment, I thought I heard the voices of angels singing.

Then I laughed, "You're right. That IS my problem."

Then he gallantly said " AND I WILL PUT THESE SOCKS IN THE LAUNDRY!"

I asked, in all seriousness, "Do you know where that is?"

He got up off the couch and headed to our bedroom, in the proper direction of the dirty clothes hamper and I felt... was it hope? Hope of a brighter future? Yes. I heard him say, "Right here!"

Then he questioned himself and muttered, "Is this the dirty laundry basket?"

I said, "Yeeeeeessssss."

Then he threw them on the floor next to the laundry basket.

I'm going to need more sangria.



Here's the recipe!

Johi's Sangria
Get a fancy schmancy pitcher. Mine is from Wal-Mart. Pour in:

• a shit ton of inexpensive red wine from the box siting on your countertop
• a lemon, not moldy, sliced and de-seeded
• a lime, not brown, sliced and de-seeded
• a tiny orange, it was sketchy, I will not lie, sliced (a large fresh orange would have been lovely)
• the rest of the almost furry strawberries that had been sitting in the fridge for who-knows-how-long, topped and sliced
• a splash of orange juice
• a splash of pink lemonade (because it looked pretty and I love lemonade)
• a generous dose of apricot brandy

Mix together into a glass container and pretend like you are going to put it into the fridge to "cure" overnight. Fuck that noise, I immediately poured mine into a glass of ice and topped with lemon-lime soda.

Drink liberally until husband transforms into that charming man that you once married.

Peace, Love and Laundry Baskets That Even a Man Can Locate,
Johi

Still Crazy After All These Years

There's something I haven't told you.

I'm a married woman,

this you know.

But I love someone else.

He's tall, muscular and athletic.

I can't help myself.

Yes, my husband knows.

Yet our love is undeniable, so Brock simply accepts it.

There's nothing he can do.

It's love.

Plus, my love and I have been together for a long time.

Eleven years.

Two years longer than "Brock-N-Johi".

He doesn't live with me anymore 

(my love, not Brock. His dirty socks are on my living room rug right now),

but I will get him back soon.

Very soon.

And together, we will live happily ever after...

or until one of us gets old and croaks.

That seems to be how true love works.

Do you want to see a picture?

I thought so.

He's so handsome.

Prepare yourself.

This is my Gus. I love him.

The best view. Evah. He almost always listens to me and he doesn't talk back.

Meant to be... he's not as bored as he looks. I promise.
He's just holding a little grudge. He'll get over it as soon as he comes home.
To me.

No, I'm not medicated. Why do you ask?

I love lists. Sometimes, when my life feels out of control, I simply make a little list for a bit o' organization. Also, I bake. Then I eat everything that I just baked. Here is a list of things that make me suspicious, for no other reason than the fact that I refrained from stabbing anyone this week and dammit, I deserve a list! The banana bread was delicious; particularly with Nutella.
I'll call this list....

THINGS THAT MAKE ME SUSPICIOUS

• Any meat that does not require refrigeration, including but not limited to meat that comes in a can.
• "Processed Cheese Food"
• People that respond in angry fashions on the Internet. Particularly the ones who cannot spell. If u cant spel, no1 cairs whut u R saeyin.
• Men walking alone in street clothes on running paths.
• Happy clappy churchy people.
• People who claim that farting is offensive.
• Full moons.
• The people that animals don't like.
• Meat that is on sale.
• Cargo vans.
• Clowns.
• Martha Stewart (this is a teaser for this week's TMI Fridays interview).
• Mouth breathers (I wrote this because my husband is doing it RIGHT NOW and I want to stab stabbity stabby stab. But I won't, because I'm a fucking lover, not a hater. *cough*)
• People who claim to be grammar Nazis. I don't want them to read what I write or listen to me speak, unless they are going to edit this shiz for free.
• Spell Check and AutoCorrect.
• Hammer pants. The M.C. kind.
• The weird brown mole on my toe.
• Cheap shoes and cheaper bras.
• Boy bands.

Or any combination of the above.

Here is a picture of my husband. I added the caption. I'm sure that you would have never guessed that.

I'm not wearing pants.

For balance, I will make another list of things that make me comfortable. I'll get all creative and call it...

THINGS THAT MAKE ME COMFORTABLE

• Smiles and humor.
• Vodka, wine and beer.
• A footrest and a blanket.
• The noise from an oscillating fan.
• My mouth breathing husband.
• Kisses and hugs from my kids.
• Cowboy boots.
• Green grass, tall trees and gardens.
• Horses.
• Books.
• Pickup trucks.
• Long, hot showers.
• Drinks on the patio.
• A night out with the girls.
• Shoe shopping.
• Money.
• Rain showers.
• Photography.
• My boyfriend pillow.
• Food that I don't have to cook.
• Food that I make from scratch.
• Laughter.
• The quiet, simple country life; complete with sushi that delivers to my door.
• Long walks with Red Dog.
• Remembering to BREATHE.
• A little dose of tough love.

Or any combination of the above.

Happy Hump Day.

What would you add to these lists?

Peace, Love and Unicorns,

Johi

TMI Fridays: Life on Peanut Layne

You know when people use the phrase "totes adorbs" and you kind of want to punch them in their cakehole? Well, Kristen from Life on Peanut Layne is TOTES ADORBS so you're just going to have to smack me square in the kisser.

Seriously, if I could stick her in my pocket and take her everywhere with me, just to hear her take on the situation, I would. She looks tiny and I have big pockets. I'll bet it would work.

See? TOTES ADORBS.

Kristen is a busy wife and mom of five kids, whose ages range from 16 to 3. Let's all take a moment and let that soak in. FIVE KIDS from 16 to 3. I know people that can't even keep houseplants alive and this woman is raising five people! I want to give her an award for that accomplishment alone. Plus, she says things like "kick them in the taco" and her tagline is "Providing laughter, entertainment and birth control to the entire neighborhood." If that doesn't make you want to learn more about her, I don't know what will.

She is a co-author in the fabulous book, I Just Want to Pee Alone, which would make a perfect Mother's Day gift for anyone that you know who has boobs and a sense of humor. Her essay, "The Mom-Chauffer", made me LOL. Literally, I LOLed. Now, Kristen confided in me that she often writes LOL when she doesn't actually LOL, but I never do; I'm always honest with my LOL's... and she made me LOL.

I also may have snorted.

Kristen is a self-proclaimed junk food junkie. She also told me that she is illiterate, but I don't believe her because she had to Google search Gary Busey and the only person home with her was her three-year-old (who I'm pretty sure can't read yet) and she found Busey very quickly. She grew up in a small town in Oregon that is know for its stench because of a paper factory. She now lives in Portland and loves having the easy access to Voodoo Donuts. Smelly factory.... donuts.... I'd pick the donuts too.

Kristen is hilarious, honest and in her own word, an "over-sharer".  Since you are here, on my over-sharing blog, I know that you are going to love her. She told me regarding getting pregnant at 18, "In high school, I was the most likely to succeed, not the most likely to get knocked up. I went right from kid to mom." It's okay, in high school I thought that I would be rich by now, living on a horse ranch in Montana and flying to Europe every year. I suppose things don't always work out according to our own plans. What counts now is our awesomeness.... right? Yeah.

Johi: How and when did you first start writing?

Kristen: I started writing as an elementary school child. I grew up wanting to be a writer. I don't know what changed... I think I got hooked on the TV show Rescue 911. I wanted to be a paramedic even though I am afraid of blood. I went to school to be an x-ray technician and a certified medical assistant, but I wanted to puke on people whenever I had to draw their blood. It wasn't going to work out. The last thing that patients want when they are having blood drawn is for the medical assistant to vomit on them. 

My mom was a teacher and she wanted me to be a teacher, but I quickly realized that was not for me. I ended up back at writing.

Johi: What is your dream job?

Kristen: That's hard. I think I would be doing what I'm doing right now but getting paid a crap ton of money for it.

Johi: What is your worst job?

Kristen: Working at Taco Bell. I cleaned the bathrooms. That was gross. That is not a job I would recommend. The things people do in public restrooms is horrifying.

Johi: Did you clean the bathrooms before or after you handled the food?

Kristen: Haha! I worked at the drive-up window. I handled the food bags, but I think I washed my hands! I bleached my entire body every day after work. I quit after three weeks.

Johi: What is your greatest fear?

Kristen: I'm terrified of the dark. I would sleep with the light on if my husband would let me. As a kid, I went to this low budget creepy place called the Enchanted Forest. It was fairy tales/Mother Goose stuff. The was a rabbit hole cave that was totally dark and I have a memory of going into it and my cousin started screaming. I've been afraid of the dark ever since.

Johi: Beach, mountains or prairie?

Kristen: Beach!

Johi: Cake, pie or ice cream?

Kristen: Cake. Definitely.

Johi: What is scarier- the Clown from It, Gary Busey or Marilyn Manson?

Kristen: The clown. Clowns are really creepy.

Johi: I agree. Hey, what time is it? IT'S GAME TIME! Today we are playing Marry, Fuck or Kill! Your choices are.... wait for it.... the Clown from It, Gary Busey or Marilyn Manson!

Kristen: Ooooo. Those are my choices? I don't know who Gary Busey is... *googles Gary Busey*...ew!

Kill: Gary Busey.

Marilyn Manson probably fucks upside down...

The It Clown is looking like the best option all around.

Johi: What is your favorite thing to eat and drink?

Kristen: That's a hard one. I like just about everything, Okay, this is probably gross to most people, but I am secretly obsessed with Cadbury Cream Eggs and Junior Mints. As far as drinks: I'm a Diet Pepsi ADDICT. I will drive to the store on a school night if we are out. I would go crazy if I didn't get a Diet Pepsi. My husband has made emergency Diet Pepsi runs for me.

Johi: That sounds intense. You probably should never try meth. Next question: what is your least favorite house chore?

Kristen: Mopping the floors.

Johi: What celeb is your "free pass"?

Kristen: This is going to sound weird, but Jonathan Hillstrand from The Time Bandit on Deadliest Catch. Guys with mullets are typically not my type but he's... rugged.... sexy.

Johi: Probably a real man, I assume.

Kristen: Hell yes.

Johi: Would you rather have a person mop your floors until the end of time, win a 15 year supply of Cadbury Eggs and Diet Pepsi, or spend a month, child-free, on a beach with Jonathan Hillstrand?

Kristen: All of them, but I would eventually miss my kids. Just for a month though, right? I could probably handle that. Although I should probably say Diet Pepsi, in case my husband reads this.

Johi: Best of all time: Movie, Moment. Name, Book, and Jelly Belly Flavor?

Kristen: Movie: Elf- I love Will Ferrell

Moment: Of course, I should say the birth of my children, but each time that was a painful moment. Do I sound like a selfish bitch if I say, "Being in Kauai for a week"? Maybe I should pick a heartfelt Hallmark moment with my kids. I'm undecided. I should really think of something inspirational instead of saying, "When I got my iphone."

Name: My husband and I loved Layne. It is one of my favorites. My husband wanted Helmut after the band. Our parents told us that was child abuse to name our kid Helmut. I'm partial to Peanut. Our youngest always says, "I Peanut". He thinks his real name is Peanut. It's a tie between Peanut and Layne.

Book: I Just Want to Pee Alone, of course! I also love Carolyn Coppela's Minivans, Meltdowns and Merlot. I don't get a chance to read much. Maybe that is why I'm not as well-spoken as the other bloggers. I mostly read stuff like Goodnight Freaking Moon. People are probably going to think, "A blogger who doesn't read- OMG- IS SHE ILLITERATE?"

Jelly Belly Flavor: Sour Apple. The big jelly beans- red. Is that cherry?

Johi: Let's just say it is Red Dye #2 flavor.

Kristen: That explains a lot. Maybe that is why I can't read.

Johi: Who inspires you?

Kristen: So many people, but I was always inspired by Rosanne Barr. She is one of my favorite comedians and actresses. I'm a huge Rosanne fan. 

Johi: What is your favorite essay in I Just Want to Pee Alone and why?

Kristen: They are all hilarious; I love things about each of them. RachRiot's "My Awkward Period" was my favorite though. I've had many embarrassing bathroom moments with my kids. She is so quick witted and funny. She should have her own show. Don't tell her, but for the longest time I thought her name was RatchRiot. 

Johi: I won't say a word.

Get to know more of Kristen from Life on Peanut Layne on her blog, facebook and twitter. Read all 36 hilarious essays in I Just Want to Pee Alone and tell us which one is your favorite and why!