Listen folks, I've been larger than I am now and I hated all skinny people. I get it. But now I am rocking my title of Ms. Wag the Dad 2012 and a sweet green leisure suit and life is grand.
*Neither of those things have anything to do with my weight, I just like to work them into the conversation whenever I can.....
|Just me, working on my laptop.....|
Don't hate me because I won the shirt and inherited the suit.
By the way, I didn't think that the 'pathologically violent green'
could ever be reproduced, but the LeapFrog toys seem to have
borrowed the color...
*Okay, maybe the reason for my weight is the fact that I developed a shit ton of food intolerance and now I no longer drink pizza and eat beer with the culinary enthusiasm of a frat boy high on the marijuana. Whatever.
So, seeing that this is a New Year and most of the humans that I know want to either 'get healthier' or 'lose weight', I thought that I would offer up my super duper helpful tips. Plus, I'm clearly a professional, so all of this advice can be safely followed and no harm will come to you or your family.* You're welcome.
*Unless you don't understand satire and you take me seriously, then you are an idiot and I never intended for you to read this.
Let's call it : THE MOM DIET
You could also call it: HIDE AND GO EAT
Since the spawn started eating solid food, they seem to desire everything that I am eating. Even if they have their own food (which is exactly the same as mine) in front of them. They reach their adorable chubby hand towards you (or your plate) and say things like "I want that!" and "Me?" and "Mine?" and "I'm hungry!" and "Can I have some?" and "DAH!" (if they are Thing 2). Between two apparently starving all the time kids, two sad eyed,begging dogs and a ravonous 14 pound cat that thinks that anything that requires a can opener is tuna, I rarely get to eat in peace. Sometimes I feel like I am being swarmed by bees, and no amount of running, screaming or swatting will shake them.
Since I don't have a photo of my children demanding that I give them anything that I am attempting to consume, I will offer this picture of my sister surrounded by a wagonload of hounds. The general point is the same.
|Mine? Mine? Mine? Dogs, kids.... whatever. Same business.|
Are you ready for the actual rules? Good, let's go.
1. Eat less.
What happens with the "mom diet" is you actually are consuming less calories throughout the day, most of the time this is happening without your consent. Whether it be because your offspring are consuming them for you, or that you have less time to eat because you are busy cleaning up the aftermath of your children's food consumption; you simply eat less. Also, groceries are ridiculously expensive and the less you eat, the less you have to buy. Win Win....wine.... what?
2. Eat healthy food.
Only buy food that you would want your children to eat. Then when you don't, hide the good stuff and put child locks on the pantry, thus making it hard for grown-ups to open any door in the kitchen. Installing a 'chastity belt' on the refrigerator is not a bad idea either. Basically, the only thing that my children can help themselves to is in the fruit bowl on the counter, hence they eat Cuties, Apples and Bananas with wild abandon. I however, rarely get to eat fruit because they want whatever I have... naturally.
|Good for fighting off Scurvy too.|
I attempt to get a workout in seven days a week, for at least 20 minutes. I am secretly happy with four days, so that when I inevitably fail three times a week I am still within my acceptable guidelines and feel like a winner. I also count cleaning the house (complete with floor mopping) or sex as a workout. Perspiration + elevated heart rate= WORK OUT. Sometimes going to the grocery store with your children will achieve both of those things as well. Use your own good judgement.
Now here is where it gets tricky because we parents need our proper calorie intake and nutrition for the day.
4. Hide and go eat.
Occupy the children with toys, books or a DVD and tell them that you need to "do chores" or "use the restroom". Prepare your food on the sly and carry it (in a box with a lid if necessary- yes, I have done this) to an area where you can eat privately. Let me offer some examples, complete with pictures for your aid.
A) The laundry closet.....
|"Nothing is in my hand, honey! I just need to do laundry! |
Now, go and look at that book with your brother!"
B) Behind the pantry doors....
|I call this "I'm looking for paper towels".|
|"I'm looking for my green jacket! I'll be right there!"|
|"Mommy needs some privacy! I'll be right out!"|
5.) Smell a tube of food flavored lotion (anything starting with the word 'warm' and sold at Bath and Body Works will do) while watching a clip of your favorite 'love to hate them' celebrity. Whether it be Rachel Ray, Rosie O'Donnell. Andrew Dice Clay or Joy Berhar, find someone whose voice, words and general appearance you find grating and unsavory, and soon you will associate said annoying person to the smell of sugar cookies, thus having a Pavlovian reaction to baked goods...or to Bath and Body Works. I'm not really sure about this one but it makes sense. It's all about the brain chemistry shiz.
Maybe this is why Bath and Body Works turns my stomach.....
I hope that you all find my intense reasearch and insightful tutorials incredibly helpful. I hope that you have a skinny jeans kind of year.
Peace, Love and Oh God, I'm Losing My Shit,