Tuesday, January 17, 2012

The Mom Diet

There is something that a lot of you may not know about me. I love food. And unless said food is an $8 piece of cake or a french fry, I don't like sharing my food.  That being said, since I hatched a couple of Things, I rarely get to eat all of my own food, which makes me twitchy. The upside of that is that I currently weigh what I did in high school. Don't hate me. My boobs never came in. I'm clearly not supposed to be bigger than your average skinny bitch.

Listen folks, I've been larger than I am now and I hated all skinny people. I get it. But now I am rocking my title of Ms. Wag the Dad 2012 and a sweet green leisure suit and life is grand.

*Neither of those things have anything to do with my weight, I just like to work them into the conversation whenever I can.....

Just me, working on my laptop.....
Don't hate me because I won the shirt and inherited the suit.
By the way, I didn't think that the 'pathologically violent green'
could ever be reproduced, but the LeapFrog toys seem to have
borrowed the color...


*Okay, maybe the reason for my weight is the fact that I developed a shit ton of food intolerance and now I no longer drink pizza and eat beer with the culinary enthusiasm of a frat boy high on the marijuana. Whatever.


So, seeing that this is a New Year and most of the humans that I know want to either 'get healthier' or 'lose weight', I thought that I would offer up my super duper helpful tips. Plus, I'm clearly a professional, so all of this advice can be safely followed and no harm will come to you or your family.* You're welcome.

*Unless you don't understand satire and you take me seriously, then you are an idiot and I never intended for you to read this.

Let's call it : THE MOM DIET

You could also call it: HIDE AND GO EAT

Since the spawn started eating solid food, they seem to desire everything that I am eating. Even if they have their own food (which is exactly the same as mine) in front of them. They reach their adorable chubby hand towards you (or your plate) and say things like "I want that!" and "Me?" and "Mine?" and "I'm hungry!" and "Can I have some?" and "DAH!" (if they are Thing 2). Between two apparently starving all the time kids, two sad eyed,begging dogs and a ravonous 14 pound cat that thinks that anything that requires a can opener is tuna, I rarely get to eat in peace. Sometimes I feel like I am being swarmed by bees, and no amount of running, screaming or swatting will shake them.

Since I don't have a photo of my children demanding that I give them anything that I am attempting to consume, I will offer this picture of my sister surrounded by a wagonload of hounds. The general point is the same.

Mine? Mine? Mine? Dogs, kids.... whatever. Same business.


Are you ready for the actual rules? Good, let's go.

1. Eat less.

What happens with the "mom diet" is you actually are consuming less calories throughout the day, most of the time this is happening without your consent. Whether it be because your offspring are consuming them for you, or that you have less time to eat because you are busy cleaning up the aftermath of your children's food consumption; you simply eat less. Also, groceries are ridiculously expensive and the less you eat, the less you have to buy. Win Win....wine.... what?

2. Eat healthy food.

Only buy food that you would want your children to eat. Then when you don't, hide the good stuff and put child locks on the pantry, thus making it hard for grown-ups to open any door in the kitchen. Installing a 'chastity belt' on the refrigerator is not a bad idea either. Basically, the only thing that my children can help themselves to is in the fruit bowl on the counter, hence they eat Cuties, Apples and Bananas with wild abandon. I however, rarely get to eat fruit because they want whatever I have... naturally.

Good for fighting off Scurvy too.

3. Exercise.

I attempt to get a workout in seven days a week, for at least 20 minutes. I am secretly happy with four days, so that when I inevitably fail three times a week I am still within my acceptable guidelines and feel like a winner. I also count cleaning the house (complete with floor mopping) or sex as a workout. Perspiration + elevated heart rate= WORK OUT. Sometimes going to the grocery store with your children will achieve both of those things as well. Use your own good judgement.

Now here is where it gets tricky because we parents need our proper calorie intake and nutrition for the day.

4. Hide and go eat.

Occupy the children with toys, books or a DVD and tell them that you need to "do chores" or "use the restroom". Prepare your food on the sly and carry it (in a box with a lid if necessary- yes, I have done this) to an area where you can eat privately. Let me offer some examples, complete with pictures for your aid.

A) The laundry closet.....

"Nothing is in my hand, honey! I just need to do laundry!
Now, go and look at that book with your brother!"

then.....

B) Behind the pantry doors....

I call this "I'm looking for paper towels".
C) The coat closet.....

"I'm looking for my green jacket! I'll be right there!"
D) In the bathroom....

"Mommy needs some privacy! I'll be right out!"


This is bound to gross you out, which in turn will be helpful with the whole
'eating less' business.

5.) Smell a tube of food flavored lotion (anything starting with the word 'warm' and sold at Bath and Body Works will do) while watching a clip of your favorite 'love to hate them' celebrity. Whether it be Rachel Ray, Rosie O'Donnell. Andrew Dice Clay or Joy Berhar, find someone whose voice, words and general appearance you find grating and unsavory, and soon you will associate said annoying person to the smell of sugar cookies, thus having a Pavlovian reaction to baked goods...or to Bath and Body Works. I'm not really sure about this one but it makes sense. It's all about the brain chemistry shiz.

Maybe this is why Bath and Body Works turns my stomach.....

I hope that you all find my intense reasearch and insightful tutorials incredibly helpful. I hope that you have a skinny jeans kind of year.

Peace, Love and Oh God, I'm Losing My Shit,
Johi

20 comments:

  1. My son never wanted to eat unless I was eating. He wouldn't touch anything that was put in front of him, but anything I had was a much wanted delicacy.

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  2. Nuh-uh. Momma don't play that. The kids have their food & I have mine. Probably why I'm so damn fat. I wish they would try to steal my food once in a while. Maybe we should trade kids for a few weeks. I'll lose a ton of weight & you can start to pack on a few pounds. Maybe you'll even get yourself some boobie, finally! :)

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  3. Um, also? I just noticed that I am on your blogroll with a post from 5 months ago. What is up with all that?

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  4. @Brett- What is up with that mentality??? Mine do the same thing.
    @Misty- My kids and dogs give me the same sad, pleading eyes. I'm a sucker. Too bad it doesn't work for Brock.... lol! And I noticed that about your blog. I have no idea what that is about- it is automatically updated so I had no hand in it. Hmmmm.

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  5. @ Misty- Oh, and also, I packed on about 20 extra pounds in college. Still no boobs. All ass and thigh. I blame the Germans.

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  6. My cat gives me the eye. I hate begging animals, but I just can't say no to those evil eyes staring me down, willing me to feed her.

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  7. Hi there! Long time lurker, first time commenter. Yes, a thousand times yes! I would like to add a couple of items to your list:

    6) Brush your teeth before your go anywhere near your kids after sessions of secret eating or they will smell the stolen treats on your breath, and raise some uncomfortable questions.

    7) Have a giant baby. They take all your calories through breastfeeding around the clock (why yes, that does mean they've devised a way to steal your food even AFTER YOU'VE EATEN IT), and your arms get super toned from lugging their giant baby butts around all day.

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  8. @Insomniac- I hate begging animals too and I enforced a very strict 'no begging at the table' policy with my dogs. And then we had kids. And the kids feed the dogs. And my rules went out the window.
    And we all know that we have absolutely no control over cats.

    @domesticated- Delurking is my favorite thing! And I love your additions. So true. Breastfeeding is a fantastic calorie burn and I avoid uncomfortable questioning at all cost.

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  9. This post just made my life. Thank God for naptime so I can snarf something without it being taken away from me. Quinn looks at me with this expression that reminds me of a zombie on The Walking Dead smelling something living when he sees me with food, even if it's the exact same thing on his plate (which until he saw me with it, was a bunch of slop in his eyes).

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  10. I think you have just explained why certain smells at Bath and Body Works make me want to vomit. Interesting. I've unknowingly Pavlov-ed myself into associating certain smells with terrible events. Hmmm...

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  11. Brilliant! I'm seven months out from birthing a human, and my husband told me the other day I was getting a little 'bony'. My ass is just too tired at the end of the day to make and consume a balanced meal, and baby girl likes her milk directly from the source, so any calories I do happen to consume go to her. Sure, my jeans fit, but what boobs I did have are starting to look like tangerines in a tube sock and my elbows could probably cut glass. Fan-fucking-tastic!

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  12. My need to occasionally eat without a small human crawling on my lap to share means that I developed a bad late-night snacking habit. I can sit at the table and eat my cereal and read a book or magazine, which used to be my cherished breakfast routine. Unfortunately, this habit, combined with the fact that I get to eat lunch at work 5 days a week ensures I'm not what anyone would call skinny. In fact, I just read the chapter last night where Tina Fey talks about her fat days during which she was about my current height and pants size...

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  13. Wait just a damn minute. Your kids don't follow you into the bathroom? LIES!

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  14. By the way, I just noticed that you are wearing your official Ms. Wag The Dad 2012 shirt in all these pics. So, this begs the question . . . do you ever take it off? Or do you just wear it with different shirts on top to mix it up? Inquiring minds and all that.

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  15. @Kelly- I snorted a little when you compared your child to a zombie. Awesome.
    @L-Kat- Or it could be the underlying plastic smell that all of their products possess..... ???
    @Megan- WELCOME TO THE CLUB. Even though I am on the trimmer side, my body resembles a deflated balloon. Not hot.

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  16. @Unknown- I hear that. I've never been a late night snacker and then I had babies. Now that is when I find myself craving food. I tell my husband and he says "fight it!". Sometimes I do- sometimes I don't.
    Tina Fey is a celebrity. Everyone expects celebrities to be rail thin. Hell, a size 6 and up model is considered 'plus-size'. When the fuck did that happen?
    @Jaclyn- Two words: DOOR LOCKS. because, of course they do. Or at least THEY TRY... muahahaha!
    @Misty- I never take it off. It is like a second skin now....

    ha! Actually, I was originally planning on sketching all the hiding positions but that would have taken FOREVER. My friend showed up yesterday and snapped the pics for me. We decided that I should be wearing a different top for the pics for maximum comedic effect. Thank you for looking so closely at my boobs though. They need love too. :)

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  17. I look for paper towels all. the. time. Also, I have been known to keep a package of Chips Ahoy in my work bag. And I don't even LIKE Chips Ahoy. I just like to get away with shit. Darn kids and their "what's that chocolate smell on your breath?" interrogations....

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  18. How come I only gain weight the more kids I have? I do have the feeling that I'm malnourished, however. All of the grabbing, wanting, me standing, running, sitting down, standing back up, etc., doesn't make me lose weight. What it does is make me get an ulcer and scarf Big Macs for the comfort. Oh, and also the wine and beer. damn.

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  19. @phoenix- chips ahoy give a bad name to chocolate chip cookies everywhere. :) I like the feeling of getting away with something too.
    @Wag- I have this awesome thing going right now that I refer to as 'skinny fat'. It's beautiful in a bathing suit..... er.... not so much.

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