Monday, February 27, 2012

Enough of this honesty business already.

Brock is always very generous with compliments, particularly regarding two things: my ass and my cooking. Now, I realize that the man is probably full of manure, but I don't care. I like compliments, they keep my head above water and make me feel appreciated. Also, when a person (me) stays home and does all of the meal planning, shopping, meal prep, meal serving and the majority of the meal clean up.... three times a day for people with food intolerance.... and two of those people being under the age of four.... 'creativity' goes out the window and 'survival mode' comes into play. So the acknowledgment of my cooking efforts and the random declarations of "DELICIOUS!" and the bullshit of "You should open a restaurant!" keep me going. True story.

As of late, the meal planning and cooking has really become a laborious chore for me. I am so desperate for help that I have taken to asking Thing 1 what he wants for dinner. He is quite a decisive four year old and usually comes up with something.... and then I make that. And then he eats it. Winning. I have learned that I can't ask Brock because he will either say "I don't know, I'm not hungry right now" or "How about that Chicken pot pie that you used to make?" to which I will respond, "I'm not hungry either, but I still have to think about dinner" or "I don't know if you remember, but the kids and I are wheat and dairy free, so it's a no on the pot pie topped filled with cream and topped with crescent rolls." And we are back to square one and I feel stabby to boot.

About two weeks ago I asked Brock, "Are you a little tired of what I have been cooking? I've been feeling really uninspired lately."

Brock just looked at me in silence.

I said, "I won't get mad. Be honest."

He said, "well.... yes. I'm a little bored." And then he started talking again about food that I can no longer make because it gives the children and I major rashes and hives all over our bodies. And that is fun, I assure you. Then he thoughtfully suggested that maybe we try eating those foods again and I drifted off in my head to a place where Chuck Norris and I took turns roundhouse kicking him in the head.

I'm not going to lie, I was pissed. I didn't want to be, because I asked him to be honest, but I didn't like his answer. Also, I could barely contain hissing "FINE! Then make your own fucking food!" I didn't say it, but it was loaded, cocked and ready to fire from my mouth.

That last sentence should bring me some awesome google search results.

Anyway, I never said anything about it, instead I choose the 'put a lid on it and let it fester' route. What happened was that I passive aggressively, not-so-mysteriously failed to make any real food for about a week. The first night, I sat in the kitchen and said, "Whoops. I didn't get a chance to cook." The second night I said, "I guess that YOU could make some spaghetti?" and so on and so forth.

Finally, I took the adult road and forced myself to have a conversation with him about it. I said, "If you want to eat hot meals again, you are going to have to lie to me. Go back to telling me that you love everything I cook. That seemed to be working okay for all of us."

Brock nodded sagely, like he knew exactly what I was talking about.

Then I brightly asked, "How did you like the egg bake that I made for ______ {our vegetarian friend}?"
He casually shrugged and said, "Eh, it was okay. I've had better."

*crickets*

I guess he didn't hear me. I'm sure I'll speak about it with grace and dignity the next time we converse regarding my cooking....... if I ever cook again.

Now, who wants turkey sandwiches and carrot sticks for dinner?

26 comments:

  1. i feel your pain. i don't know why we torture ourselves by asking for truthful critiques from our hubbies about our domestic tasks. it's just plain dumb. i am definitely tired of cooking. i have to force myself to remember that he does his part and i should do my part. i don't want to hear him whine about fatigue or sucky work days, so i need to suck it up and stop looking for him to clap cymbals and spray confetti over the hot meals i serve up. a little applause is ok :)

    last week i burned frozen french fries i prepared for him. FROZEN FRENCH FRIES!! who burns french fries?!! heh. me, that's who. i think you have an actual novel in you. keep writing!

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    1. You're right, it is dumb. I wouldn't mind the applause either. And if he throws confetti, he'll be cleaning up the damned confetti.
      And thank you for te applause. I'm honestly feeling a little dead inside lately. It is the season, this I know, but still, it makes me question everything. I totally want to write a book, I just don't know what the subject would be!

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  2. Whoa, whoa, hold on there, my fair friend. Turkey sandwiches and carrot sticks are considered gourmet in my house.

    Clearly, your peeps don't know how good they got it over there.

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    1. Totally agree. I ate tuna fish sandwiches for like 4 days in a row. Carrot sticks? Geez, that's like dessert!

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  3. I learned a long time ago. LIE LIE LIE, but remember when to tell the truth. It gets confusing.

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    1. I know. You poor guys. lol!

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    2. If I want honesty, I have the short people. I want a man who will lie like a Persian rug.

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  4. um, now I want some turkey pot pie...

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    Replies
    1. Well, I'm not making any! lmao!

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    2. I actually have a pretty fab recipe for a gluten/dairy free pot pie. I'll send it to you if you want.

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    3. That would actually be great. Email it to me at jkokjohnwagner@yahoo.com

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  5. I don't ask the 4yo, she only wants mac n cheese or chicken stars soup. when it getw warm out it will only be ham and cheese sandwiches. I couldn't even imagine cooking with no dairy or wheat. I guess my guy just likes that he doesn't have to cook. lol

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    1. I think everyone should just be happy with apples and sunbutter. What?

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  6. My babysitter's son has all the food allergies. All of them. He can't have dairy or eggs or wheat or oats or soy or nuts. At Christmas time I always bake, and I insisted on trying to make him cookies and failed miserably.

    My point is that it didn't seem like such a difficult task until I actually tried to make something that wouldn't kill him. Maybe Brock needs a lesson in cooking for allergies. Take his ass to the grocery store and tell him to figure it out! Because I know if I had to feed that little boy every day, he would be eating bowls of rice like a kid in a Sally Struther's commercial, every meal of every day.

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    1. Umhm. Thank you for understanding. It is not always easy, and can be limiting.

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  7. My boyfriend usually cooks because he had been cooking for himself and his daughter before I came along and I only had a chihuahua to feed. Her food comes from a bag. When I do cook, if he makes a suggestion or criticism, I smile and say, "This is why you do the cooking, honey. You're so much better at it." I secretly think that I would be an awesome cook, I just am too lazy to try.

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    1. The thing that sucks is that I AM an awesome cook. I'm just fucking sick of cooking.

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  8. I'm glad I'm not the only one who keeps a Chuck Norris in my head for use when mad and in need of kicking someone in the face.

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  9. BTW, I am gluten free - so far baby girl doesn't seem to be affected - but the majority of what we eat is gluten free.

    Try Gluten Free Cheeseburger pie with GF Bisquick. You'll have to substitute the milk with something... oh, and the cheese...

    Good lord. I can see how this gets tough.

    You're doing AWESOME!!!

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  10. This is perhaps the best thing about being divorced. If we have smoothies adn Eggo waffles for dinner four night in a row, neither the short people nor I will complain.

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    1. I see your smoothie and raise you a bowl of cereal.

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  11. And it's like you were so clear. Any good marriage counselor would say that you should just be honest and tell him exactly what you need, right? Which you totally did? So really, at this point, could you be blamed for punching him in the face? I don't think so. I am pretty sure most courts consider that justifiable homicide, actually. I am just saying.
    Or you could keep serving cereal.
    Whatever works better for you. ;)

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  12. I am in such a cooking rut. My kids have no allergies, thankfully, but they are so very picky. I end up making the same thing over and over. And I don't really cook. Just get pre-made stuff from the store or ocassionally throw something frozen in the oven. But any time I try something new or actually attempt a GASP recipe, my kids are all "ew, yuck, blech" so I've pretty much given up on it. It sucks. But my kids aren't malnourished as far as I can tell, so I'm at least doing an adequate job. When I really get fed up and I just call the hubs and make him bring home carry out.

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